Here I go again!

Woman at a window. Jacobus Vrel. 1654

In April last year I decided to try to resurrect this blog. I had good intentions but I only managed three posts in 2021, all in April!

Over the years I have often had problems with writing regularly here although, as I said last year, I have been writing regularly elsewhere. I think perhaps that a blog post feels like a substantial piece of writing - and certainly my historical posts do require quite a bit of research - so that I often feel too intimidated to begin.

With the beginning of a new year I feel inspired to try again, but not to be too hard on myself. I will aim to write once a month (or 12 times a year) and I will broaden my range of topics. Sometimes, as I am doing now, I will just sit down and write and see what comes. I will write about Quakers and Quaker history but may change my format. I hope to share some passages of Quaker writing that have helped me and may even suggest passages to the Book of Discipline Revision Committee! I may also share other passages that I have written in my commonplace book over the years.

Another way in which I hope to continue with this blog is through visual images. Over on Facebook I have been sharing art from my Pinterest boards each day without comment. Perhaps here I can comment about the art, the artist and what the image means to me.

I have good intentions but I have had those before and not written. Let's see how I get on in 2022!

How many friends?

How many friends do I have? Quite a few I think, although I had never been in the habit of counting them until I went on Facebook. That was a few years ago when I wanted a way of tracking the progress of my globe-trotting sons but also wanted to prove my husband wrong when he said I had no friends.

I have never been one to have crowds of close friends. I grew up as a happily solitary only child, isolated further at primary school by the fact that my father was also my headmaster. My parents tried to remedy this situation when I changed schools by sending me to an establishment in a different town, rather than to the grammer school next door to my father's new school. I made a few close friends there but it was difficult to cultivate friendships outside school because of the distance involved.

However, when I make good friends I do try to keep them and am still in touch with two women I have known since I was 10, Fleur and Liz. At university, first in Oxford and then in Birmingham, I made more close friends and have kept up sporadically with a few of them. At Oxford I also met my closest friend, Chris, and eventually married him. I also acquired some of his friends too. I have made friends at work, some closer than others. I have also made friends of Friends in many different contexts, often by working and sometimes struggling together.

What do I mean by a friend? Well for me friendship involves sharing, giving and receiving confidences, honesty and loyal support. It is also about having things in common - a place, a way of life, even a favourite television programme - but not necessarily about always agreeing with each other. A valuable part of friendship for me is the ability to speak and hear uncomfortable things from time to time, although I admit that I almost lost one friendship through being afraid of confrontation.

But is it possible to have virtual friendships, only conducted online and never face to face? I think it is and I have discovered this through reading and writing blogs and through Facebook. Many of the bloggers I read are not known to me in person although we have a friendly relationship online. After all, I can hold a conversation with them through comments as they can with me and blogging is often about sharing one's life as one would with friends in the 'real' world.

At the last count I had 264 Facebook friends. Many of them I know personally and meet quite frequently, others I have met a few times, but some I only know online. Quite a few live in different countries which makes meeting face to face even more difficult. I am very grateful for the opportunity Facebook gives me to connect a little with all their lives. Then there are the reconnections, people I have known but may have lost touch with until an unexpected 'friend request' appears.

The other week I visited my friend James in Leeds. I met him in Birmingham 40 odd (sometimes very odd) years ago and we were close friends and housemates then. I had kept in touch sporadically and went to all three of his weddings but Facebook allowed us to connect on a more day to day level which made our face to face meeting more comfortable. I look forward to deepening this friendship when we eventually move Up North.

I know what Chris meant when he said I did not have any friends. At the time I was in danger of isolating myself from the day to day contact that nourishes friendship. I hope that I am working towards correcting that and Facebook and blogging have helped me keep in touch, not only with friends but with myself.

Getting going again

As I said in my last post I've decided to set up another blog and have been spending time thinking about that. I've also been considering what to do with this blog and how to get myself writing here more regularly, which I have tried several times before.

On consideration I don't think that giving myself hurdles to clear, or more likely not to clear, is very helpful at the moment. When it comes to day to day thoughts I have a handwritten diary which serves me better and has done for years.

So I will write here when something happens that I want to write about in greater length or when I am looking for a reaction to help me onwards. I will also write a bit about my latest writing project - a biography of an 18th century Quaker travelling minister which I expect to be working on for several years to come.

As well as getting on with writing however I am also getting more involved with my meeting again. I fell into a long period of very irregular attendance when my mother was ill and even after she died I found it difficult to go back. It has taken me years to begin to reconnect with my local Quaker community and to go to meeting for worship regularly once more. Living in community has always been the part of Quakerism that I have found most difficult and have had to work at - but I know that I must [not should] do it.

My Inward Teacher has, as always, been gently but firmly pushing me onwards and made sure that a couple of weeks ago I went to a specially called meeting about nominations in our local meeting. Among other things I heard that all three of the clerking team were standing down and the committee had not been able to find replacements. Although it was not usual to ask for volunteers that was what they were doing. As I sat there I knew that I was going to have to put my name forward and it seems that another Friend was thinking the same thing. So I went home  and wrote an email and so did she and now we have both been appointed - as she said 'Now we've really done it!' We look forward to welcoming another member of the team and setting up more of a 'one off one on' continuity.

So now I am going to be much more a part of my meeting than I have been for a long time and hope that I - and they- will survive!

Ministry or vanity?

Robin's post on Blogging as Ministry has raised several questions in my mind. As I commented on Liz's post I am quite clear about my use of Facebook. That is all about taking me out of my often too comfortable isolation, about making connections with my family and renewing connections with friends old and new. But about blogging I'm not so sure. Why do I write a blog? Is this a Quaker blog or just a blog written by a Quaker - and does the distinction matter?

A lot of what I write is about my life - perhaps a rough draft for the spiritual autobiography that I must one day sit down and write. I have the title - which is also the title of this blog - and have published a few fragments so far. But if I am writing ministry here should I keep away from the trivial and always leave 'the day of small things' to Facebook?

As Robin says, for me reading other people's blogs is part of the process of writing and often spurs me into putting my thoughts into words - as it has today. I want to be part of the Quaker conversation, but for me this can also be a problem. I gain a lot from listening to others, but I realise that part of me also wants to be heard. I want to be recognised by the 'proper Quaker bloggers' who choose which posts appear on QuakerQuaker and sometimes I find myself wondering what I have to write to make that happen!

But as in meeting for worship I know that true ministry is given and has nothing to do with conscious striving for effect. I must be true to myself and to my own spiritual journey and write what I cannot avoid writing with no thought of any audience. Because I am a Quaker to the core of my being this is necessarily a Quaker blog. I know that a few people read what I write and I am always happy to read their comments. Perhaps the nearest comparison between what I write here and ministry is that when I rise to speak I have no idea what effect my words may have on those who hear them and do not ask to know. It is enough if I can be faithful.

The Ministry-Life Balancing Act

Reading Robin's post the other day got me thinking about the struggles I have had with recognising and finding ways to follow my own ministry.

It took me a long time to feel that my interest in spiritual autobiography could be seen as a kind of ministry. It was only when I moved from an academic and personal view of the subject to the development of a workshop that aimed to tell others about the form and tradition of this kind of writing and to encourage them to attempt to write their own that the thought that what I was doing was ministry entered my head.

I was 'released' to follow this ministry more intensively by a combination of the Joseph Rowntree Charitable Trust awarding me a fellowship and my employer promising that I would have a job to return to after a year. At the time, having gone through the experience of being made redundant twice, I would not have been brave enough to proceed without that safety net.

Afterwards I went back to work but also continued giving workshops and wrote an account of the fellowship. This brought me into writing and publishing both of which I now see as part of the same ministry. I know that I have been led along the path I have taken and sometimes I have been gently but firmly pushed into taking the next step. Looking back I realise that it is always when I have turned outwards, shared my experience and the experience and words of Quaker foremothers and forefathers with others, that what I have done has become ministry.

Along the way I have sometimes taken false steps. There was a time when I really wanted to find a job in the Quaker world. I thought that this would free me from having to balance my Quaker calling with other paid work. Failure and rejection were hard lessons but in time I learned from them. I remained independent and gained much from the work that did come my way. All the time I know that my Inward Teacher has been providing me with lessons that I needed to learn and has been patient with my slowness to understand.

Many years ago in meeting I was given three phrases which I understood were messages for me and not to be shared at that time. I wrote them down and they have travelled with me as lessons and encouragement in my ministry and my life. They are - 'Count your blessings' , 'A way will open' and 'My time is not your time'.

I understand more about what my ministry is and how I should express it as time goes on. Now that I have retired from paid work my view of it is slowly changing again. I am trying to be open to new possibilities but I am also continuing to write and publish, if only infrequently, here and elsewhere. God knows where I will be led next but I am still waiting to find out.

Hello all those British Quaker bloggers out there!

I've been talking to Jeremiah and Robin about what other British Quaker blogs exist and Robin suggested that I do a list. So, as a kind of addendum to Martin's list, here goes.

Martin mentions Simon's Under the Green Hill and Jez of The Friend's Quaker Street. I have a few more favourites including Jeremiah's Fire in the Bones , Heather's Still Life and Daniel's Sitting Down for Something.

More blogs I have just found, added to my Bloglines subscriptions [thanks for the tip Robin!] and am enjoying are A Tentative Quaker, Mister JTA's Electric Quaker II, Ray's Quaker-Buddhist Dharmakara's Prayer, Laura's Silentblog and M. Willis Monroe.

As Jeremiah notes quite a few British Quaker Meetings have blogs although most use them more as a kind of newsletter than in a personal, reflective way. Two exceptions to this rule which both have several contributors writing thoughtful and often challenging posts are Beeston Quakers and Sheffield Quakers.

So who have I missed? If you are a British Quaker and have a blog of any kind or if you would not give yourself the BQ label but still blog about British Quakerism or Quakers in general I would love to get in touch. Are there more of us out there and if not why not I wonder. Over to you!

Fare forward voyager

I have been putting together a book of contacts - mostly Quakers - for my sons which I hope will be a help for them on their year-long jouney round the world. On Sunday I will give it to them and say goodbye. I know that we will be in touch through email, Facebook and even this blog, but of course I will miss them. I am glad that they are going on this adventure and I expect it will be the beginning of a new phase in their lives and perhaps in mine, but it is hard not to worry.

On Monday my husband and I are going on a journey too - to America for nearly 3 weeks. Our main reason for going is to attend the QUIP [Quakers Uniting in Publications] conference in North Carolina but we are having a holiday too and going to Chicago, Cleveland and New York. I have to admit that I am worrying about this too. Partly this is my usual anxiety about flying but there are also difficult issues to be addressed at the conference and as the recording clerk I feel partly responsible. The changing face of Quaker publications means that our organisation will have to change too and I know that change can be difficult. On the other hand of course it can be liberating and even exciting. I will report back here later!

One part of the conference I am really looking forward to is a panel on Quaker blogging with Robin M and Will Taber which I am moderating. It will be great to meet with some of the bloggers I have encountered through their writing face to face and to talk about all things blog. One of the questions I would like to explore is why it seems there are so many more American Quaker bloggers than British and European ones. It is such a pity that I could not persuade another British blogger to attend.

Yesterday I was copying out more of Mary Waterhouse's diary when I came upon this passage -

"I have frequently thought lately that I must make mention of the mercy shewn me in being, as I trust, less anxious than I used to be. When a careful thought comes over me – anxiety about any one or anything, it is often turned into a prayer, before it resolves itself into a care. For this surely I may say 'Bless the Lord O my soul! & forget not all His benefits'."

Yet again this voice from the past speaks to my present condition and I will try to emulate her if I can.